Today I felt that a million thoughts rushed through me like a flood gate of to dos. While I sat here rushing from activity to activity with the lack of sleep, I struggled to gain an image of the bigger picture.
Sometimes I feel like I do not know what is real anymore. I feel like I cannot even write anymore because I cannot seem to explain myself anymore. I feel as though my grammatical errors are only becoming worse... perhaps due to my ever increasing stupidity? (No I Know it is subjective... but please allow me to explain...)
I felt even when I was much younger I have been more creative. As if my life experiences somehow rinsed my open perceptive view of the world.
Realizing that I have been lied to the last 6 months... and how much I believed all the lies, I cannot help but feel as though my senses are clouded. my senses are not picking up on the signs. somehow I have hid the signs and I saw only what I wanted to see.
From being told so many times that I was loved, but and yet so much was hidden in this deep obscurity. NO matter what I tried to do, to make sense of all the dark areas, I seemed to fill it up with my beautiful images.. my beautiful images of love and compassion. the images of a good time spent together, the images of a safe place just for us.
Why is it that I thought no matter how much I dreamed it would somehow be true? I remember having a revelation in the past I realized that dreams do come true...
But what was that? Just fragments, memories, of my former dreams. .
And here I try to sit and refrain from pondering the things my mind naturally wanders to. Why is it that subconsciously deep down in side i know the truth, but my mind won't let me see it? I feel like I have not had a break in quite sometime. It is like continuously sifting through portraits of feelings, memories, interpretations of these feelings and memories.. my questions.. and then the answers I give myself, even though I have no reaal reason to believe any of my answers are remotely true.
